Supporting girls with bereavement
Our new activities are here to help you be there for girls.
Everyone experiences grief at some point, and we want to help make it easier to talk about with young members. That’s why we’ve been working with Child Bereavement UK to create new activities exploring death, and the emotions that young people experience when someone dies.
We know you’re not bereavement experts, but we’ve been listening, and have heard from lots of members that more support for girls during these difficult times would be helpful. Over the past two years during the pandemic, death and dying have been talked about a lot more often, and we know that children have had a lot of questions. These new activity toppers are designed to help us manage conversations, and support girls to process their feelings in a safe way. They can be used in unit or sent home to for the girl to complete with her family.
What are toppers?
Toppers are a new type of stand-alone activity that aren’t connected to Girlguiding’s programme. They don’t count towards theme award hours, but include a number of topics and activities that can be used flexibly to ‘top up’ girls’ experiences with Girlguiding.
Understanding death at different ages
Children between the ages of four and ten can experience grief differently to children and young people aged from ten to 18. Children of Rainbow and Brownie age probably have an understanding of death and that it’s permanent, but they’re also at an age where they’re likely to do a lot of ‘magical thinking’. This is the belief that they can affect what happens. For example, if a child wants something to happen and it does, they can believe they made it happen. This is a normal part of growing up. Some children might think that their thoughts or actions caused the death, and they can feel guilty. This is why it’s really important to use straightforward language when talking about death, instead of phrases like ‘gone to sleep’ or ‘passed away’, which can make things more confusing for the young person. They might also be anxious that something similar will happen again to someone they love, so reassurance and letting them know that death isn’t their fault is key. Older children and teenagers affected by grief will probably react differently to children of Rainbow and Brownie age. Some young people might respond to a death by becoming more withdrawn, some may ‘act out’ their distress, while others may cope with the awareness of their own mortality through risk-taking behaviour to try and get back some control. This is why Girlguiding can offer a safe space for young people of Guide and Ranger age when bereavements happen. Activities that are familiar to them, like unit meetings, can be really helpful.
Illustrations: Hikimi/agencyrush.com
Supporting bereaved children in your unit
‘When someone dies, an activity like Rainbows, Brownies, Guides or Rangers can be a place of comfort with its familiar routines and environment,’ says Clare Bullen, head of clinical services (England, Wales, Northern Ireland) at Child Bereavement UK. ‘Before the child returns to the unit, it can help, if possible, to speak to their family to find out what sort of support they need and who they want to know about their bereavement. Ask who their friends are and who they trust. Ask the friends to be supportive and understanding if the child is sad or upset.’ The new toppers both focus on creating a memory box and thinking about the person or animal that’s died as a unit, in a way that works for the age group. Young members can create objects, decorate the box and, if they want, discuss death and their feelings. After the activity, young members can find a space, take a big breath in and hold it, stomp their feet and then blow out all the air a few times. As well as doing the toppers, there are lots of simple ways to support a young person or a group of young people experiencing grief. One of the most supportive things you can do is just to listen, allowing the young person to express all their feelings without being judged, or told what to do. You could also create a ‘talking time’ at the end of a meeting, where girls can chat to you as a trusted adult in a safe space. It’s also a good idea to check in with the young person ahead of any activities you have planned that might be difficult for them emotionally.
‘Ask the child or young person in advance what activities they would like to be involved in and agree on a way to indicate that they need time out, for instance by showing you a coloured card,’ says Clare. ‘If you are planning activities that could be upsetting for the young person, for instance making cards for Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, let the child and their family know in advance and offer choices so that they can decide how they’d like to be involved, if at all. You might offer a choice to make a card in memory of their special person who has died, for instance.’ It’s important to talk about grief, but it’s also important for us all to know our limits. It can be incredibly hard to have these conversations about death and bereavement and they might bring up memories of deaths you've experienced. You should make sure you take time to look after yourself too.
‘Supporting a bereaved young person can be emotionally draining and might put you in touch with your own losses and vulnerabilities,’ says Clare. ‘It’s okay to feel you’re not the best person to support the young person at this time and to ask others to help.’ ‘You may also find it helpful to talk to other members of the unit or wider guiding community and share any feelings or concerns. You can also contact our helpline on 0800 02 888 40 for support and information on supporting bereaved children and young people.’
As well as Child Bereavement UK, you can point young members to charities such Winston’s Wish, Grief Encounter and Hope Again and the youth pages of The Good Grief Trust and Sue Ryder. We also have a webpage about supporting young people experiencing grief.
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