'What our leader's done has made a world of difference'
Lara’s daughter Jade has had several traumatic early-life experiences. This is their story of being included in guiding, and how the actions of one volunteer made all the difference.
Illustrations by Hikimi/agencyrush.com
Illustrations by Hikimi/agencyrush.com
This article contains sensitive content, and references abuse and neglect. All names in this story have been changed.
At Girlguiding, we help all girls know they can do anything.
Volunteers play a huge role in helping that happen. Through running unit activities, planning trips away, or just providing a safe space, you help our young members feel welcome, and like they belong. As volunteers, we know that you go the extra mile to include young members who need a little more support to take part in everything guiding has to offer. And that can make a huge difference.
As a parent of a child who’s experienced trauma, Lara knows that really well. She wanted to tell us about the impact Girlguiding has had on her daughter Jade, and how one Rainbow leader in particular, who we’re calling Sun, went above and beyond. We talked to Lara and Sun about how they worked together to make Jade’s experience in guiding the best it could possibly be.
Starting the conversation
‘What Sun’s done has made the world of difference,’ Lara reflects. Her daughter Jade joined Rainbows because she wanted to spend more time with a friend. ‘We were lucky that there happened to be space available. And from the outset, I flagged that I needed to have a chat with Sun about our situation.’
Jade has had a tough start in life. Before Lara adopted her, Jade had gone through ‘developmental trauma’, which describes events such as chronic abuse, neglect or other harsh adversity in the home. Known as ‘adverse childhood experiences’ (ACEs), these describe stressful or traumatic experiences that can have a huge impact on children and young people. These include but are not limited to:
- experiencing violence, abuse or neglect
- seeing violence in the home or community
- growing up in a household with substance abuse problems or mental health problems
- experiencing instability through parental separation or loss, or household members being in prison.
Experiencing these kinds of things has an impact at any age. But research has shown that experiencing them as a child can change how we respond to stress, leading to long-term changes in our brains and bodies. In turn, this can lead to physical and mental health conditions. A study found that experiencing multiple ACEs can affect growth, learning, behaviour, immunity, physical health and even life expectancy. These are hard things for any parent or caregiver to read. But equally, research has also shown that therapeutic re-parenting from adoptive parents can help a child who’s experienced trauma manage the effects. And developing supportive relationships with other caring adults in the child’s life also has a huge impact.
‘After everything she’d been through, the triggers and needs Jade had were very significant,’ says Lara. ‘It covered everything really - sensory, psychological, behavioural, physical… So I knew I needed to talk to Sun about it.’
'When you live and breathe the world of adoption, you quickly know when you're talking to someone who just gets it.'
‘You never know what you’re going to get when you get that message from a parent,’ says Sun. ‘I’ve had quite a lot over my many years in guiding. When I got the e-mail, I assumed it would be something like needing an EpiPen, or needing to make accommodations for a wheelchair – any of the things we’ve had before. We’ve always made it work – managed the allergy risks, made sure all the kids in the unit could go on the zipwire, whether they had access needs or not. So when Lara told me about their situation and what they needed, to be honest my first thought was, “Oh, no problem! This is fine.”’
Lara smiles. ‘When you live and breathe the world of adoption, you quickly know when you’re talking to someone who just gets it. I’ve had a lot of nonsense cliches thrown at me, like, “But how can she remember all that if it happened when she was so young?” or “All she needs is love, she’ll be fine”. There was none of that with Sun. I could just tell her what the triggers were, and what was needed. And to have someone pick all that up and work with you straight away is so rare, especially for a club where this kind of thing isn’t necessarily a specialist area. After our first conversation, I came off the phone and said to my husband, “Wow. She really knows what she’s talking about.”
What it means to experience a trigger
Although it’s a word that’s often used casually, to be ‘triggered’ means something very specific and significant. Certain experiences, situations or people can trigger reactions like flashbacks, panic attacks, or dissociation. Triggers can be almost anything that reminds a person, their brain, or their body of their previous trauma, such as smells, sounds, words, places, or even particular types of books or films. It’s often unconscious and surprising. If it’s never happened to you, it can be hard to relate to how much of an impact it can have.
‘It doesn’t just mean that she feels a bit uncomfortable,’ explains Lara. ‘Her whole physiology changes. She’s gone into a mode where she’s not fully present, where she’s battling all kinds of hormone releases, and her synapses are firing and all these huge things are happening to her. And Sun really understands what it means for her to be triggered.’
‘I remember one night a couple of weeks ago, Lara let me know Jade had experienced a trigger on the way to Rainbows,’ Sun recalls. ‘We didn’t even know why, but she was still coming to Rainbows, because that’s her safe space. I just gave the other leaders a heads-up that we needed to keep an extra eye out. We were playing a life-size hungry hippo game that evening. The thing that really helps us manage is getting the feedback from the parent about what works.’
‘The fast-paced hungry hippos game you were doing was perfect for her,’ says Lara. ‘It was just the kind of heavy muscle work she needed from a sensory perspective.’
'When she experiences a trigger, it doesn't just mean she feels a bit uncomfortable. Her whole physiology changes.'
‘The thing that helps most of all is how open Lara is,’ says Sun. ‘Every child is different, but the parents don’t always tell us when something’s going on. Lara’s a superb advocate for Jade, and she communicates – we talk on Whatsapp all the time.’
Working together
As Jade progressed in guiding, Lara and Sun found it was really important to keep communication between them open.
‘Jade can’t be in photos for safeguarding reasons,’ Lara explains. ‘At other clubs or activity places, they’ll gather everyone in for a big photo, and then get her to stand to one side, watching the other kids, who of course all want her to join in. But she can’t, and it’s heartbreaking. She sticks out like a sore thumb.
‘That was why I found the nativity they did so emotional. Sun messaged me first – I didn’t even need to flag the issue. And she said, “Right, here’s the plan.”’
‘We made it very clear to all the parents that they couldn’t take any photos of the group,’ says Sun. ‘The only time you could take a photo was at the very end, and only if it was just your child in the photo. I was the only one allowed to take a photo of everyone. We had Jade on the end, and I said to her, “Oh, I can’t see the girl behind you. Can you just move to the side a little bit for me?” Jade’s very bright – she knew exactly what was going on, but I don’t think anyone else did. She moved over a little, and I got the snap. And that’s the one that went on social media – the one without her in it. But she was never left out, or made to feel different.’
‘It’s so great to know that I don’t have to worry about stuff like this,’ says Lara. ‘It meant as parents, we were just able to go to an event and enjoy it without worrying about cameras the whole time.
'Jade was recognised for her bravery, her self-empowerment, her advocacy... It was just a phenomenal response.'
‘And for Jade, it had such a big impact too. After that, she was talking about how the people at Rainbows are adults she can trust. Which is so huge for her. It takes a lot for kids who’ve been through what she has to say that. She’s had so many people give her empty words, and she’s not interested in those. But in a relatively short period of time, Sun earned Jade’s trust with her actions, which is so rare for children with that level of trauma, I think.’
It was the trust between them that allowed Jade to open up to Sun about what she was experiencing, and what she needed to feel better.
‘One of Jade’s triggers is closing her eyes,’ says Sun. ‘We were doing a skills builder that was all about dreams and going to sleep, where all the girls laid down on the floor and closed their eyes for the activity. Jade chose not to join in, but she sat beside me while the activity was going on. And then when we finished, we were all talking about our fantastic dreams, and Jade could join in with that. But afterwards, she very bravely sent me a voice note to say, “I can’t close my eyes.” So now we don’t do that at Rainbows.’
‘That’s one of the things Sun has really shown me,’ says Lara. ‘There’s inclusive things you can do to avoid adding harm to a child’s life – that’s the bare minimum. But there’s also inclusive things you can do that add positive things to their life. And that’s the part that goes above and beyond.
‘Sun’s response to Jade saying that she couldn’t close her eyes, wasn’t just “OK, you don’t have to close your eyes.” The response was, “OK, no one has to close their eyes. In fact, we’re going to scrap all activities that involve closing your eyes for the rest of your time in Rainbows.” And not only that, but Jade was recognised for her bravery, her self-empowerment, her advocacy. And we’re going to grow that in her, and help her assert her own needs in the future. It was just a phenomenal response.’
Learning from each other
Working together to help Jade get the best out of her Girlguiding experience has taught Lara and Sun a few things about themselves.
‘What I’ve really learned from Sun is that inclusion can be done without fanfare, or fuss,’ says Lara. ‘The great thing about her is that nothing she does is drawn from a sense of pity. She wants to empower Jade and equip her, rather than wrap her up in cotton wool. I don’t think Jade would say that Rainbows is a place where she gets treated softly. She just feels like everyone else feels, which is the whole point of inclusion, isn’t it? To be included, and not feel different. And that’s really life-changing.’
‘I’ve learnt things from Jade and Lara too,’ says Sun. ‘Jade taught me that it’s ok to be honest about the fact that you’ve experienced a trigger. I’m a domestic violence survivor - I was in an abusive relationship for a very long time. On day 2 of a brand new job, I triggered - completely fell apart. But I was able to tell my work colleagues what was happening, because a 6-year-old child was able to tell me.
'If a 6-year-old can experience a trigger, and still come to Rainbows, then I can experience a trigger and still go and do the other things I love. You learn all the time in guiding, you know? And it’s so amazing to be able to talk about all this with Lara, and know that yes, this is what I do. I make a difference.’
Help and support
For more guidance, check out our mental health and guiding guidance, or try out our Including all e-learning. If you need support or advice, remember you can always contact our inclusion team at inclusion@girlguiding.org.uk for guidance.
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